Finally, Legislation of Substance!

Because of excused absences, D5 Diane McCartin-Benedetti's ordinance "providing for restrictions on novelty lighters" reached the ultimate level of passage and, pending the signature of the Honorable Douglas B. England, becomes law within the next ten days.

What, you may ask, is a novelty lighter, and why is it the signal accomplishment of the incumbent city council? An otherwise nondescript lighter with an Indianapolis Colts horseshoe logo (or even the word "Colts") would surely qualify. I've never seen one, but a lighter shaped like a banana, or logoed with Warner Bros.' Yosemite Sam, or Marvel's Iron Man, or (the horror) a Budweiser logo, would be subject to this regulatory ordinance. I'll bet you could make the case that a neon-pink Bic lighter qualifies as a fem-specific "novelty" lighter. I can't even imagine what kind of lighters might be available at New Albany DVD. Oh, that's right, they're exempted from this ordinance! And how about our friends at the fireplace store? Don't you imagine they have a log-lighter shaped like a stick of wood? And if they don't, do you want to invest in our company making them?

Though the ordinance is arbitrarily vague and thus unconstitutional, what is a novelty lighter can be identified. What is not a novelty lighter, not so much.

To put the best face on it, Mrs. McCartin-Benedetti's ordinance is a public-spirited response to intelligence obtained from our fire safety officials. Such officers nationwide have spearheaded an effort to regulate what is described in the ordinance as "a grave threat to the health, safety, and welfare of the citizens of the City of New Albany" (citizens? I didn't get my New Albany passport. Did you?). Residents? Nah? Visitors? Unh-unh.

Furthermore, the council "finds that an emergency exists necessitating the immediate adoption" of the ordinance.

You know, the most recent local fire tragedy involved a young boy splashing cologne on himself, cologne that subsequently ignited when it came near to a heating coil. Do we now regulate cologne? May be.

In any event, we don't fault the motives and intent of D5. We do insist that D5 failed to cover herself in glory with this bastardized and doomed ordinance.

You can read the ordinance by chasing links elsewhere on this blog, but permit us to tell you how it reads in practice.

A retailer who sells, offers for sale, or gives or distributes any novelty lighter in New Albany must display them 48 inches off the floor. The retailer may not display them with "children's toys." In effect, that's it. Violation of the ordinance may result, on conviction (unlikely), in a fine of $250 for each violation and for each day of violation. One half of that fine would go toward fire prevention. The other half would go to the city's general fund. (By the way, that's a violation of state statute, too.)

Oh, yeah. The purchaser of the novelty lighter must have a photographic identification (what's that?). The retailer is not required to see it or ask for it. As the ordinance is written, the purchaser (5-year-old Billy Sue) would be subject to citation and fine.

I kid you not.

Great job, D5. How many hours of drafting and advocacy did you put into this one?

Not to be too specific, but all seven of the members in attendance voted "aye" on final reading. D'oh! Mmmmmm, donuuuts!